Exam fever

By Akshat Singh

With final exams just around the corner, all students seem to have been thrown into a perpetual conundrum of nonchalance. The collective chants of “time went away so fast” seem to have become a daily affair in the courtyards and give off the effect of cicadas buzzing at night in a deep dark forest. That indeed is an appropriate metaphor, considering that the students compliment the Kafkaesque fantasy as they monotonously slither their antennas and cluck their tentacles to write unending notes, while sitting in a perfect order, in the library.

An uncanny sight accentuated the campus the other day, when an individual dressed in rags and with an unkempt beard walked out of the old library. When asked who he was and what he was doing there, he said “I just went for a short nap but I am ready to go for my Sociology midterm now.” On being told that the aforementioned midterm occurred about two months back, he seemed confounded. It was later revealed that the student had apparently gone into a phase of hibernation and all other students studying around him felt that he just a hardworking chap.

There has also been a considerable rise in the number of student activists, demanding the setting up of a pharmacy for students on campus. “Asking for aspirin on Sciences Po Reims trade and for medical advice on Yik Yak hasn’t exactly been helpful,” a concerned student was quoted as saying. The administration however, denied the possibility of any such event in the future mentioning that this dire state of suffering is an intended learning process which helps students transform into more pain hardy individuals. However, there has been no proof over the authenticity of this claim.

For the business savvy individuals, exams just prove another opportunity. A group of students is reportedly making a killing by selling outdated notes they had acquired from their seniors for free. They have gone a step further and have designed flashcards on colored post its, which have proven to be a frenzy amongst students.

“Sometimes we just write completely unrelated quotes from children’s story books, but since it’s written with colored pens, everyone thinks that it is a detailed flashcard,” a member working for the organization said.

Another group has come up with a novel technique of delivering food late at night for students who wish to indulge in stress eating. “It is a scientific fact that food has therapeutic effects. Moreover, our unique selling point is wrapping the food in plastic with motivational quotes so that the students don’t realize how downhill their life’s trajectory is, while gorging on cookies at 4:00 a.m.,” the founder of the startup said. On being asked if this doesn’t affect the study pattern of members of his team, he said, “After the end of the campaign week, we saw a void that needed filling. My members and I have accepted that the possibility of our passing the finals is solely reliant on the amicability of the students sitting next to us during the finals. Therefore, we thought that why not prey on the misery of other students and make money at least. That’s how most business models work, don’t they?”

Back at the campus, a smiling human sighting is becoming ever rare as individuals are running to the spots where they left their coats well in advance so that they have their own niche to study at. A fiercely innovative technique which has been devised is to approach a professor during his office hours and like a parasite, get stuck to the office as it is an extremely liberating spot to study. The campus is hence divided between “the haves” and “the have nots”.

While there is a lot of brimming anger among the students who have not been able to find a place to study since all spots are occupied, the students who seem to have gotten a spot seem taken aback. “We worked very hard to be where we are and these people – they just want everything for free.  It’s disgusting. They need to be worthy of getting these seats. They need to have some merit,” said one student while covering an entire table with her arms, and scattering books all over as she was worried that the interview was just a ploy to take over her spot. On being asked to explain the frivolity of her sentiments she became extremely feline and threatened to scratch the reporter’s face off, if he didn’t leave.

There is however, a silver lining as the university has accepted that students coming out of the examination hall suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and has decided to give each one a free cigarette and a warm blanket. “If a blanket can’t solve it, nothing can,” a senior official was quoted as saying.

We would like to wish all students, all the luck for the upcoming exams. We know you need it.

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