I Live In A World I Am Not In

You entered a room you will never leave.

Those awful white walls, the half curtain deceives. 

In the midst of the constant beeping and constant chatter, 

Your children colour the room for the illusion to not shatter. 

Flowers, toys, your grandchildren’s laugh –

But they never did stand a chance against that hospital white, overhead light. 

You are no longer though. 

Unrecognizable, your eyes are those of Jane Doe. 

How could that be when they inspired

Hope, love and compassion – everything I had admired. 

You live in a world you are no longer in. 

As your organs give way, 

An infection on Monday and a feeding tube on Friday, 

You have taken me with you. 

Just like when we went to the park to play on the swings 

When I was younger. 

Except this time will be the last. 

And I will stay with you until the very end

(I pinky promise). 

So I now live in a world I am not in. 

My professor asks the definition of political science

While I will myself to remember what you called me (was it always Jules?).

My friends laugh at a joke in the courtyard

But suddenly I can’t quite remember your laugh (it wasn’t very high-pitched, was it?).

Passionate, my brother gushes over baseball

And somehow, I forget the last time you looked alive. 

When you didn’t look forever lost. 

Your memories and your love were robbed in the night,

No sign of entrance until “early onset Alzheimer” 

Declares itself the burglar, in an ugly light. 

Day by day, month by month, you faded away until

You now live in a world you are not in. 

I will stay with you in this limbo

Between here and elsewhere –

So, I too will live in this world I am no longer in. 

Our clock is the beeping,

And suddenly, I crave it. 

That sun is that awful white light

And I will it to burn me. 

For what will be of me when 

The beeping stops?

When the light shuts off?

When you go to elsewhere

And I am just here. 

I have never lived in a world

Without you.

I have never been in a world

Without you. 

Photo Credit: https://www.gettyimages.com.au/detail/video/hospital-postoperative-room-stock-footage/484017687

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