My heart. Constantly clenched. Similar to when you breathe in, and then forget to complete the cycle by letting it out. People often say that anxiety fills your mind with a plethora of mismatched thoughts, but mine feels overpowered by a single one.
A single thought has taken over every nook of my brain. Seemingly ridiculous, yet, It seizes me, all-consuming and inescapable. What seems incongruent, rather, is the way my body physically reacts – shivering shoulders, a stuttering tongue, trembling fingers, and the bile ready in the back of my throat. Being constantly attached to a taser describes it perfectly – not enough voltage to kill, just enough to maintain painful discomfort.
For once, I’d like to feel the light of euphoria without the fear of what’s coming after. It’s almost humorous how the term was unfamiliar to me my whole life, yet paranoia was one of the first I memorized. The worst part? There is nothing to be done until it’s over. It’s like a fly flapping its wings, buzzing near your bed while your muscles have lost the ability to react: an agonizing paralysis.
Someone asked about my plans this winter. I can’t seem to imagine it past tomorrow – as if my current life ended right there and if I’m lucky on that day, I’ll be reborn and keep going on.
Still, all I can do is wait. Wait to stop feeling this way. Wait for my euphoria.